Avoidants and Attachment Needs
Recently, I came to an important understanding of the human attachment system and why we as avoidants struggle so much in relationships. The attachment system is like a built-in GPS navigator designed to continually steer us back to safety, connection and belonging. When an infant feels a lack of safety, for example, she cries out […]
The Challenge for Avoidants from Tight-Knit Families
I think avoidants from tight-knit families of origin face special challenges. I grew up in a stable Italian-American home. My parents were married for 50+ years before my mom died. We ate dinner together every night. Aunts, uncles and cousins were always around. It all seemed normal, healthy – even ideal. When I found myself […]
Avoidants and the Need for ‘Space’
A hallmark of avoidant attachment is our need for ‘space.’ We learned to cope with relationship distress by withdrawing and self-soothing. The other option – being soothed and comforted by our caregivers – was mostly not available to us. Experience taught us that turning inward was the safer bet. Because of this, capacities that would […]
The Two Dimensions of Healing Avoidant Attachment
I’ve learned that healing avoidance requires us to grow along two dimensions: inner and outer. Both are essential. The inner dimension involves creating a secure, loving relationship with our self. This means learning to respect and honor our emotions, our thoughts, opinions, and ideas. It means learning to embrace and honor our emotional needs and […]
Is This My Avoidance Talking – Or My Intuition?
I think many of us avoidants struggle with trusting our feelings and perceptions in dating and relationships. When I was dating, my mind was filled with confused and anxious thoughts like: “Why do I want to break up with this person? She has so many nice qualities. Why can’t I just commit? “Is this my […]
How Conversations Help Heal Avoidant Attachment
Many of us are aware of our avoidance but don’t know what to do about it. We ask ourselves: How do we get better? How do we heal? Here’s one answer that was very surprising to me: through conversations. If you’d have told me a few years ago that conversations were crucial to healing avoidance, […]
Avoidance and the False Self
I always considered myself a down to earth person. Yet I now see I spent most of my adulthood living through a facade, trying to uphold a false self-image. In dating and romance, that self-image was confident and successful, wise and mature, a spiritually advanced rescuer. He was excellent at attracting dating partners and dazzling […]