Avoidants Must Learn To Share Their Inner World
Every human being has a rich, multi-dimensional inner life — what Dr. Daniel Siegel refers to as the “sea” inside of us – our thoughts and feelings, our memories and reflections, our hopes and wishes, our hurts and disappointments, and the nuanced ways these things shift and emerge throughout our day and our life. This […]
The Challenge for Avoidants from Tight-Knit Families
I think avoidants from tight-knit families of origin face special challenges. I grew up in a stable Italian-American home. My parents were married for 50+ years before my mom died. We ate dinner together every night. Aunts, uncles and cousins were always around. It all seemed normal, healthy – even ideal. When I found myself […]
Avoidants and the Need for ‘Space’
A hallmark of avoidant attachment is our need for ‘space.’ We learned to cope with relationship distress by withdrawing and self-soothing. The other option – being soothed and comforted by our caregivers – was mostly not available to us. Experience taught us that turning inward was the safer bet. Because of this, capacities that would […]
A Dating Suggestion for Avoidants
I want to offer some suggestions for avoidants seeking to improve their experience with dating. These suggestions are mostly intended for those seeking a long-term life partner or marriage, though I believe they will help even casual daters. The pickle we face as dating avoidants is that we engage in a whole bunch of involuntary […]
The Two Dimensions of Healing Avoidant Attachment
I’ve learned that healing avoidance requires us to grow along two dimensions: inner and outer. Both are essential. The inner dimension involves creating a secure, loving relationship with our self. This means learning to respect and honor our emotions, our thoughts, opinions, and ideas. It means learning to embrace and honor our emotional needs and […]
Is This My Avoidance Talking – Or My Intuition?
I think many of us avoidants struggle with trusting our feelings and perceptions in dating and relationships. When I was dating, my mind was filled with confused and anxious thoughts like: “Why do I want to break up with this person? She has so many nice qualities. Why can’t I just commit? “Is this my […]
Avoidance and the False Self
I always considered myself a down to earth person. Yet I now see I spent most of my adulthood living through a facade, trying to uphold a false self-image. In dating and romance, that self-image was confident and successful, wise and mature, a spiritually advanced rescuer. He was excellent at attracting dating partners and dazzling […]