A hallmark of avoidant attachment is our need for ‘space.’
We learned to cope with relationship distress by withdrawing and self-soothing.
The other option – being soothed and comforted by our caregivers – was mostly not available to us. Experience taught us that turning inward was the safer bet.
Because of this, capacities that would otherwise develop in an emotionally safe and soothing home environment went undeveloped.
Our ability to put words to feelings was compromised. Our ability to share feelings to elicit connection and comfort was also compromised.
Since our unsafe childhood circumstances persisted for years, our tendency to withdraw and self-sooth was reinforced over time and became habitualized, a general mode of being.
We rely on ourselves, minimize our need for connection and keep our inner world close to the vest.
So much so, in fact, that the notion of looking to others for comfort or support seems utterly foreign to us and even contemptible – like, why would anyone do that? How needy and pathetic!
Instinctively, unconsciously, we put large swaths of emotional and physical space between ourselves and others.
We go silent for days or weeks. We disappear into our work. We don’t return texts or calls. We get busy and distracted. Other priorities intervene.
We live behind an invisible moat of isolation, walled within an emotional fortress. And we call this fortress our ‘need for space.’
But as we begin to feel the long-term effects of this isolation in our lives, and begin to reach for deeper connection, we need to recognize how our need for space affects our relationships.
How can our partners trust and rely on us when we’re prone to vanishing? How can emotional safety emerge if we keep pulling the rug out from under them? How can a foundation be laid for the future if we can’t be counted on to show up next week?
Any healthy relationship partner will want to feel their partner can be counted on, that he or she is reliable, constant, available, and safe, not to prone to vanishing, not prone to withdrawing behind cryptic and impenetrable walls.
Insecure partners may tolerate or placate us for a while, sometimes a long while.
But if our relationships are to have any chance of being healthy, secure and fulfilling, they must be built on a foundation of trust, constancy, communication, and emotional availability.
And for us to create that in our lives, we need to take a different orientation to our need for space.
We need to think of it not as a permanent state of affairs, not as a “this is who I am, take it or leave it” kind of thing.
But rather, as a reflection of where we are today in our journey towards healing and secure attachment. As something that we are aware of and working on.
Our need for space is a real and true reality for us as avoidants. We have every reason to need space based on where we came from and our experiences, and we need to take care of our emotional needs in the moment.
But for intimacy to emerge in our lives, we also need to respect and tend to the emotional needs of others. We need to be mindful of our impact on others, even as we care for ourselves.
Over time, with intention, with a gentle leaning in towards relationship and connection, our need for space can and will diminish.
We can become more attuned to our own emotional world, less flooded and overwhelmed by the demands of intimacy, more communicative and open, and more available.
We can learn that we don’t have to keep it all inside. We can learn to share our needs and to ask for support.
Though we may always need more space than those who did not suffer our form of trauma, we can learn to take that space in ways that are considerate and thoughtful, that do not undermine trust and safety, and that communicate to our partners that though we need space right now, we are coming back and we are not going away.
We can learn to be more available, present, reliable and trustworthy. As we embody those qualities more, we find this way of being is so much natural and kind. We find it feels really good to be this way, not only to our partners – but also to ourselves.