I want to offer some suggestions for avoidants seeking to improve their experience with dating.
These suggestions are mostly intended for those seeking a long-term life partner or marriage, though I believe they will help even casual daters.
The pickle we face as dating avoidants is that we engage in a whole bunch of involuntary behaviors that are the dating equivalent of shooting ourselves in the foot.
To protect ourselves and manage our unconscious distress, we instinctively pull away, withdraw, isolate, go hot and cold, get overly critical, overthink. These tendencies cause our partners to feel confused, insecure, and hesitant.
Their reactions – for example, asking about the “status” of the relationship, or voicing concern, or expressing needs – heighten our distress and hesitation, causing us to withdraw further and become more ambivalent and confused.
This downward spiral leads to dissolution or stagnation of the relationship. Often, we either ghost completely or, after taking a bunch of space, reconnect without in any way resolving our core ambivalence.
From inside this dynamic, it looks like problem is in our choice of partner. With a different person, it seems, these downward spirals simply wouldn’t happen.
In reality, though, the ambivalence and resulting push and pull is hardwired into the avoidant nervous system.
And to change our dating experience, we need to rewire our nervous system by changjng our behaviors. By shifting how we show up on dates and in the way we relate to dating partners.
What this means is that we need to shift our focus to the process of dating, the present moment of dating, rather than on the potential future outcome.
We need to commit to showing up — in each conversation, on each date, and in between each date – in more secure ways, so that we are bringing forward and drawing out the best version of our dating partner and ourselves.
What this looks like is a consistent focus on being present, kind, considerate, reliable, communicative, authentic, and open, every day, in each interaction, to the best of our ability — regardless of how we might feel about a particular dating partner.
Showing up in these ways creates the emotional safety that all people need to relax and be themselves. We can then notice who they really are. We can also notice who we really are when we’re not acting out of our habitual avoidance. And, finally, we can notice how we and they are together when we are both in a positive, secure place.
Showing up this way, we might allow ourselves to have fun and enjoy ourselves and venture into a deep authentic conversation. These experiences in turn give us a glimpse of the intimacy that is possible in the absence of withholding and turning away. That glimpse gives us the courage to keep moving forward. It gives us the reassurance and encouragement we need to move closer, to add more kindling to the fire.
Focusing on each moment also enables us to notice and work on our withholding, isolating and avoidant tendencies in manageable and bite-sized pieces.
We notice we have shut down and become uncommunicative – and shift to being more open and transparent.
We notice we are avoiding scheduling a date, returning a text message, sharing our thoughts or feelings – and gently shift to being more reliable, communicative and considerate.
We notice we are being critical or overthinking — and gently shift towards kindness, openness, curiosity and connection.
What we need to be mindful of is how our nervous system gets overwhelmed and shut down as we approach closeness and intimacy. We get unconsciously distressed at the prospect of being trapped in relationship.
It’s not our fault. We were trapped and defenseless as kids. We did not have the tools to protect ourselves from unattuned, exploitative caretakers. We did not have a choice. No wonder the prospect of committed relationship floods us and causes us to shut down and run away.
It’s not our fault, but if we are to enjoy healthy strong relationships, we are going to have to undo this damage.
As adults, we need to remind ourselves that we are not trapped and defenseless in relationships. We can be fully ourselves and fully in loving relationship. We can pursue all of our dreams, express all of ourselves – and still enjoy the security, comfort and nurturing of intimate partnership. In fact, relationships magnify our self-expression and expand our sense of possibility.
We may not have all the tools we need to do and experience that yet – but we can develop them and we can practice them. And the way we do that is one date, one conversation, and one day at a time.