For most of my adult life, dating was a very confusing and stressful experience.
Like anyone, I enjoyed the thrill of early dates and first kisses. But after a short time, I would find myself twisted in knots. Is this the one? Am I leading her on? What if I’m making a mistake?
Paralyzed with doubt and hesitation, plagued with a constant inner push and pull, my relationships would either die on the vine or linger in ambiguity, sometimes for years.
Alternatively, every so often, I would find myself pining for a girl who was either unavailable or uninterested.
This whole time I wanted nothing more than to be in a happy, committed relationship. My deepest hope was to be married with children. But I could not find a way passed the confusion, fear and doubt that always stood in the way.
Then something changed. With the help of therapy, I experienced a major awakening about the nature of my avoidance. This deep shift in understanding improved my dating experience dramatically and was ultimately what enabled me to break my lifelong dating patterns and get engaged and married.
What was the essence of this awakening?
In a nutshell, I came to understand that my avoidant behaviors had nothing to do with the person I was dating. Rather, they were behaviors that I brought into every relationship, regardless of who I was dating.
My tendency to withdraw and isolate, to experience confusion and ambivalence, to push away and create distance, to overthink and analyze, to find outlets and escape hatches – these occurred in all my relationships, regardless of my partner. They were part of my internal psychology. They were about me – not anyone else.
Until this point in my life, I had assumed my confusion, ambivalence and avoidance would dissolve as soon as I found the right person. Once she came along, I would be stress-free, doubt-free, and anxiety-free. I would finally be able to take my foot off the brakes and proceed full steam ahead.
Except in the long and tortured history of my dating life, this had never happened. It took a couple of decades of repeating the same patterns for me to finally accept that my avoidance
was not going to just evaporate. It was something I would have to learn to manage internally if my dating relationships were to ever have a chance of flourishing.
And so I began bringing more awareness to all the behaviors I had used to keep my dating relationships lukewarm and that undermine my ability to relax and enjoy the dating process. Behaviors like:
- Being reluctant to make plans in advance
- Taking too long to respond to texts or calls for no reason
- Withholding expressions of generosity, affection and care
- Withholding words of affirmation
- Avoiding plans with family or close friends
- Avoiding serious plans like overnight trips or vacations
- Keeping my interests, passions, and thoughts mostly to myself
- Stressing about “deciding” if this is the right relationship
- Stressing about things getting too serious too fast
- Showing up in my head instead of being open, relaxed and willing to have a good time
- Deferring until an unspecified future date to do things that couples do
When I noticed the urge to engage in these behaviors, I would hold fast and instead lean towards new behaviors that supported connection, enjoyment and closeness.
Rather than stressing about leading my dating partner on or making a big mistake or going too fast, rather than allowing overthinking and anxiety to bring all progress to a screeching halt, I resolved to allow the natural flow and evolution of a relationship to proceed and carry me forward.
I would stay engaged and open and prioritize having healthy fun, nice conversations and good times together. I realized that these experiences, much more than my anxious stressful thoughts, would provide better answers and show me a better way.
Something else contributed to this shift: my growing remorse. As I came to understand my own avoidance, I saw how my avoidant behaviors had been inconsiderate and unkind. I found myself determined to be more kind, honest and transparent and proceed with more empathy and care for the impact of my behaviors on my partner.
My approach shifted from trying to control and manage the progress of relationships to seeing what would happen if I nourished them and gave them a chance to fully blossom. I did so with new dating behaviors, like:
- Being reliably communicative and responsive
- Being proactive with planning nice dates
- Being willing to plan longer dates and overnight trips
- Being willing to meet friends and family
- Being demonstratively generous and caring
- Avoiding rumination and over-thinking and prioritizing staying relaxed and open
- Sharing more freely about myself and my inner world
- Valuing having fun and sharing experiences
- Trusting the process to provide answers rather than my own anxious thoughts
After these changes occurred, I experienced one very lovely, peaceful, fun and depthful dating relationship that ended on amicable terms. And then, shortly after, I met the woman who is now my wife. We have done much recovery and healing work together, but today, we have three children and enjoy a very happy fulfilling together. I could not be more grateful.
I want to conclude with a brief summary of the shift that made this possible.
Before: I assumed my avoidant behaviors were a sign that I was dating the wrong person. Since my avoidant behaviors were omnipresent, every relationship seemed wrong in some way.
After: I understood my avoidant behaviors had nothing to do with any specific dating partner but were a constant feature of my internal psychology. I realized that I brought avoidant behaviors into all of my relationships, and those behaviors were preventing me from enjoying and getting to know my dating partners and preventing my relationships from flourishing.
I understood that to nourish and cultivate deeper relationships, I would have to internally manage my avoidant tendencies and engage in new behaviors that supported intimacy and connection.
This shift enabled me to finally take my foot off the brakes in my relationships. I was able to have more fun, go deeper, be more authentic, and enjoy a much more fulfilling dating life.
I want to stress this was not easy or effortless. It felt awkward and counterintuitive. I often questioned whether it was wiser to go with the instincts that were so much more comfortable for me.
But what convinced me was the unmistakable evidence of the experiences I had. I was enjoying dating and experiencing relationships in very satisfying way that I never had before. These experiences convinced me I was on the right track.